Ask Anna

Dear Anna,

I am new at this and I like how you help people. But I need some help with my relationship with my wife whom we were separated because she broke my heart last year. She took our daughter away from me to.

But during my separation I've fell in love with someone else in Pierre, she was older than me and she was off and on with her significant other as well.

I ended up staying at her apartment until last month when my wife or ex-wife.(we consider ourselves to still be married), picked me up and took me home because of my new girlfriend who was beating me when I was drinking. I am now with my wife and little kid again.

But my new girlfriend is still trying to have me go back to her.

She was saying I got her pregnant but I doubt because she told me she got her tubes tied. I was caught in between them both. I loved them both. So I was so confused to whom I should go back to.

I called her last night because I thought she was cheating on me, but I guess that was the wrong thing to do because she broke up with me, I thought she was drinking and with another guy.

I broke up with her the day before because my wife tried her hardest to keep me here. And now she got the good end of it.

Anyway, Anna I wanted to ask you what can I do? And is she really pregnant and if so, is the baby mine?

Who was I really supposed to go to? It's really bothering me because I love my daughter and all, but was I supposed to go back to her in Pierre.

I've been sober and clear of marijuana for a month now. But this is really bothering me so much I can't sleep or think right anymore. Please help me

Caught between Two Women

Dear Caught:

What a mess. I do see a pregnancy on the part of your sort-of girlfriend.

From what I can see it is most-probably her ex's. I also see, however, a manipulative, confused, woman with drug and alcohol dependent behavior.

A woman that would either lie to you about having her tubes tied or being pregnant is not a good woman to hook up with on a permanent basis. She is a woman that uses any tactic to get what she thinks she wants.

Do yourself a favor, for your own future sanity and stay away from all women that drink and party, lie and cheat, and manipulate.

Beating you when you were drunk is just another symptom of a very sick woman.

Why would you want that kind of hell in your life?

Break it up while you still have the chance. I do feel that she hasn't had her tubes tied as she told you, so that perhaps she could trap you with a pregnancy into being her mate. I see that the physical relationship (the sex) is about all that you have in common. I see her as needing years of therapy and treatment to extract her head from its dark, driving, and confused thinking.

You have addictive thinking patterns. She is in your head, and you keep rolling her around in your mind.

It is really an addiction to excitement, not to love. Try bungee cord jumping, it's less risky.

When you have been through treatment, one of the things that they tell you is to NOT get hooked up with anybody until you thoroughly sort yourself out.

There is a reason for that. It is because you have to spend all of your time figuring yourself out, not adding to the mix with the confusion of another person - especially, a drinker.

Plus, you cannot have a successful relationship with her without drinking. She will suck you back in to your worst habits. Please do yourself a favor, and hang up that up that phone, don't call her, lose her number.

I see you still trying to get back to her, and if you need another lesson in what hell really is, then just keep trying. Then, in about another three years, you can once again begin the cycle and path to wholeness and wellness.

Since you said you consider yourself married, please begin to act like it. Yelling and screaming do not equal any of the Lakota Values.

Where is the respect that you should demonstrate for your wife, and further, where is the respect that she should be showing to you?

Where is the honor and the integrity? Where is the courage to stay and be strong? Where is the compassion for your child? Please begin to find those things for yourself.

I do see that you and your wife can make this relationship work; it takes some changes in both of your thinking. Both of you need to understand that what comes from the heart is what should rule your lives.

Both of you should understand that the things you say are heard, not only by you when you say them and by the person you say them to, but also by the Creator. Would you be embarrassed to stand at the right hand side of Tunkisila and speak to him in that way? Let that be your guidance system.

You will make it with the mommy of your baby. The two of you can discover within each other and within the relationship a steady and loving life.

Keep on the right side of the Road, and you will find a whole and complete feeling in your heart and your life.

Good Luck, and my prayers are with you.

Dear Anna,

I have been everywhere and I went to everybody about my problems and no one can give me any answers. I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago and we have a 6 month old son.

He's been leaving us since he was 5 days old. I really love him and wanted to be with him but he would constantly accuse me of someone else on a daily basis. I did want to marry him but he would say things out of the ordinary.

When we broke up he told me that he was going to take my son away but he can't take care of him. He wants me to give up my son so his mom can take care of him. He also said that he has a little girl.

That hurt me the most because he lied to me. I shouldn't be surprised because he's been lying to me from the jump. I guess I thought he would change for me and my son. Why doesn't he love us the way we love him? I sacrificed so much for that relationship and I did everything possible to make it work. Did I try my best by myself?

I guess deep down inside I still want to be with him. I love him deeply but he didn't understand that. Did he want to be with me or was he with me because of our son? Did he really love me or was he in love with someone else? Will we ever be together again? Will he ever realize what he lost?

Why am I always the one to hurt? What is wrong with him?

Does he really have a little girl? I don't know what to do. I am really hurting and I don't know how to get over him please help. I feel bad for our son because his dad has embarrassed us both. Thank you for your time. It is greatly appreciated.

Still loving him and wanting him back

Dear Still Loving Him:

Take off your rose colored glasses honey and wake up and smell the coffee. In our lives, maybe only one or two people out of all the people we ever meet are real possibilities for the opportunity to create a good relationship. You have a romantic vision of your ex, that is not based on who he is.

He doesn't love you. He does love his son, and has some regard for you (because he manag3ed to make it with you, just for your son's sake, for about six months.

He tried, but could not find the love in his heart for you. You ask if it is something that you have done, or not done.

No. It isn't you. It is that the two of you are not suited for the long haul. Pregnancy creates cchildren, not a husband. In ten years you will be embarrassed to even tell people that you knew him, let alone have a child by him. He has a mean streak. It is very common, especially on the reservations, among young men to ask you to have their baby (it is a territorial thing, and sort of a badge that brags to his friends that you and he have "done it"). It is not love.

It is also very common for the young men to turn around and fight for custody, so that their mother's can raise the child. Personally, I wouldn't want a woman to raise my child that raised her son to be so irresponsible, unfeeling, and dominating. He wants to hurt you, by taking your precious son away from you. That is M-E-A-N.

Remember when you were in the eighth grade and thought you were in love with that boy in the third row in your English class? Remember how you mooned over him, and knew that you "loved" him, and that life would not be good if you were not with him?

This is the same thing. If you look solidly at this young man, and you do an inventory of who he really is, if you are honest about who he is, then you will quite pining over a makebelieve love. You are a romantic, and what you want is a nice home, a good husband and father, and a good life with all of the accoutrements (television, dogs, cars, fenced yard, nice furniture, big screen TV, vacations in Hawaii, nice clothes, happy birthday parties, good food, etc). This man cannot and never will be able to provide any of that for you. He can't even provide a Saturday evening without a big war. Look at that.

He has told you he doesn't love you. Why would you even want to talk to him? How insulting and how little you must think of yourself to subject yourself to such torture. You can't make anyone love you, if they don't, they just don't, and that's all.

It isn't you. It just isn't meant to be. Think of it this way, by having him out of the way, you can prepare yourself for the real thing: a two-way relationship, with equal love and respect on both sides. Anything less is just not acceptable.

Further, I want you to take the following list and check off what positive characteristics are his.

This is the best criteria for a good relationship. Don't lie to yourself anymore. Don't make excuses for how he treats you, and most of all, get over yourself.

You are not in charge of how anybody else feels. You are not powerful enough to make anybody change. Change is something that is personal. Here is the list:

1. A good mate and parent works very hard to support his family.

2. A good mate is not selfish with his wife and or child(ren).

3. A good mate does everything for the highest good of his family.

4. A good mate respects his wife, is reasonable, and does not speak rudely to his wife or his children.

5. A good mate is faithful. 6. A good mate wants to spend as much time as possible in his home with his wife and children.

7. A good mate does not abuse drugs or alcohol. 8. A good mate has compassion and respect for his wife and children, and acts that way.

9. A good mate has strength and courage and will defend his home and his wife and children.

10. A good mate has a strong belief in the Creator and lives to honor that belief.

11. A good mate is respectful of women.

12. A good mate always does his best.

13. A good mate is tolerant of small issues that his mate has.

14. A good mate never threatens his wife or his children.

15. A good mate helps in any way he can to make life easier for his wife and his children.

16. A good mate never lies or never has to lie about where he was.

17. A good mate never resents buying diapers.

18. A good mate doesn't "baby-sit" his children; he parents them (just like the woman does).

19. A good mate is not interested in getting away from the house.

And, 20. A good mate is gentle in his heart, gentle in his hands, gentle with his voice… and his passion comes from his heart, not just from his loins

Do you understand? Good Luck with your honesty. I know it is hard, but I think you just plain don't like not getting what you want.

You think you want him, but what you want is some idea of who he is, not who he really is.

You can email Anna Bee your questions at askannabee@ yahoo.com or fax to (605) 685- 1870, or write to PO Box 386, Martin, S.D. 57551. All requests may be subject to publication.

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