Ask Anna

Dear Anna,

I am a 34-year old Lakota woman. I have been in two long-term relationships; both relationships ended because the men couldn't behave in a good way. I have been single for three years, and I want to be with an Indian man; but I am seriously considering "shopping" for a non-Indian because I can't seem to find any respectable Indian men on the reservation - except the married ones.

Why is this? Where are the good men? Why are so many men so messed up?

Do you see a Indian man in my future?

Gonna Give Up

Dear Gonna Give Up:

Of course there are good, clean, sober, spiritual men on the reservation. You are correct though, most of those are taken.

There are many reasons that statistically the good sober women, who are educating themselves or are educated, are the leaders in programs and the community, and are successfully raising their children or have raised their children far out number the men.

Oppression and depression, lack of economic opportunity on the reservation, codependency, adult children of alcoholic parents, and indulgent women (they allow men to treat them badly and in the case of their adult sons mask and enable bad behaviors) are the obvious reasons behind a large number of chaotic men.

We all know the obvious answer - TREATMENT - on a mass scale for the adult men, and counseling and life-coaching, and a strengthening (educating) of the cultural heritage with emphasis of the Traditional Ways (inipi's and ceremonies) particularly among the young boys and men can turn this around especially when combined with strong women who won't put up with, for any reason, bad abusive behavior.

It sounds simple enough, but it is a longterm huge undertaking to rectify the damages conceived in genocide and implemented with alcohol and drugs as tools of destruction of a total race.

Take heart.

Women across the reservation and some strong men, combined with many men of medicine, are slowly creating a healing path for the Lakota children and adults.

The destructive past combined with today's tough gang-like mentality, degenerative television, hard-case music, and immediate gratification society make this job bigger and tougher than it has ever been.

A western culture that centers on purely physical values (i.e.:breast implants, women as total sex objects, casual sex for recreation and power through intimidation of both money and physical prowess) demonstrates a country with a society of low self-esteem.

I do see an Indian man in your immediate future.

He lives in Rapid City, originates from the Pine Ridge Reservation (somewhere near Kyle), has several children from three past relationships, is currently completing his formal education (completing his bachelors at the same time as beginning to accrue credits for his master's degree) and is clean, sober, handsome and charming.

He is probably in his early 40s. He is concerned with the health of his people, and works in social reform and raising the consciousness of the youth.

You will be with him by next September.

Good Luck!

Dear Anna,

I have a daughter who drinks too much. She works, has her goals down what she wants in her life but she drinks too much and is in denial about how bad her addiction is. How do I help her see that her drinking is bad for her future?

At loss mother

Dear Mom:

If we could make others well, if we could really influence the paths they choose, if we could only make their decisions...

Your daughter knows she is in danger; but the influences of friends and social interactions combined with a perspective that she is having fun and not hurting anybody else are going to be her undoing.

She has to travel down the path of substance abuse until she really feels the impact. This month will hand her one negative impact that will lead her to a decision to be more careful, yet it will not influence her enough to become a sober human.

She has a while yet to go before she accepts the genetics of alcoholism/drug addiction and realizes the impact and loss she alone will create for herself.

She will survive this mom. She does have a plan - and alcohol can quite easily take that plan and smash it as hard and as fast as a single night of partying will allow. She will find motivation to become who she is and leave the chaotic and sick energy of addiction behind her.

What can you do? You can get counseling for co-dependency and disengage from her behavior - including picking up the pieces of her chaos for her. You can make rules about your home and what is allowed within its walls. You can tell her you love her but will not actively support her addiction with approval or money.

You can tell her that when she is ready, you will help her find the right road and the right path to living a good life. Do not allow her to drink or drug in your home, or to return their in anything but a sober state.

Do not give her a car, pay for her car or her insurance as long as she has her mouth on a glass or her lips around a pipe that is not a Canupa. Be strong, let go of her behavior, and use tough love.

You can email Anna Bee your questions at askannabee@ yahoo.com or fax to (605) 685-1870, or write to PO Box 386, Martin, S.D. 57551. All requests may be subject to publication.

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