Ask Anna

Dear Anna

I've been with this guy for 4 1/2 years now and we have a daughter together and one on the way. I was wondering if he will ever change his ways?

He likes to party and every now and then he takes off and ditches to drink. Am I wasting my time? And I also heard that he has called another girl but as usual he denies it. Am I believing in him too much?

Wondering

Dear Wondering

The real question is why you do not believe in yourself more. He is who he is, and he acts the way he acts until he realizes his true self and grows up. He is stuck being a proverbial teen-ager. He is not likely to change until he has an "awakening."

For some people that comes when they get arrested the umpteenth time. For some it comes when they lose their driver's privileges. For some it comes when their livers, kidneys or brains give out.

For some it comes when they finally make a spiritual connection with the Creator. For some it never comes.

He hasn't changed since you have known him. You cannot change him and I cannot change him. He has to really want to change. If you threaten to leave him to try and force him into change, he will just think, "Good, now I can do what I want."

You have to make a decision. Do you want to continue to live in this manner? Statistically, the reservations have one of the highest rates of alcoholism and drug addiction IN THE WORLD.

It is up to the mothers, sisters, and wives to stand firm in allegiance with sobriety and demand it of themselves, their children, and their mates.

If every woman that is involved with the chaos of drugs and alcohol and the resulting infidelities said NO MORE, then the men would change.

It begins with you. You started the relationship with this man, drinking with him, and expecting life would be good. Life may be a party, but it ain't a very good one if you're drunk too.

Make up your mind to be responsible for yourself and your children through education and work. Once you feel independent and strong, you will not succumb to the myth that you "need" a man to take care of you. Conversely, neither does a man "need" a woman to take care of him.

Once you lose the desperation of neediness, you will move outside of desperate action. Take charge of your life.

You decide if you can live this way, or if you want to. Remember, he is who he is.

Dear Anna,

Hi!! I hope you had a very good summer. I know I did but, there were some very curious questions I just need to know the answers to. Here they are: Will my mom ever stop drinking? Will she die before I hit my adult years? Will she ever get a job? The same goes for my older brother.

Will he ever go far in life? Is he going get a job sometime soon? Will the rest of his life be great? Now me: am I going graduate with my class?

Is my basketball season looking good for me? Is my boyfriend keeping the promises he made me before he left to school?

I am a Sun dancer and I would like to know while I am dancing out there do my grandma and grandpas and my uncles, and my aunties come to see me?

There's also this really weird feeling I have for my grandma, my mom's mom.

The strange part about it is that I don't know her.

I wasn't born when she was alive, but I love her a lot and it feels like I know her for some odd reason. I try to see if I feel like about my grandpa also my mom's dad but it's just my grandma I feel like that with. It feels like I know her even though I never met her. My mom barely talks about her.

What does this mean? I would really like to know. It bugs me every day and at night I can't go to sleep 'cause of this feeling I have for my grandma. This is very important to me.

Sincerely Curious

Dear Sincerely Curious:

Your mom will not die anytime soon. She is jeopardizing her health, as you already know; but her health is also her friend. It will be because her health gets in her way that she will stop drinking.

She is not likely to find a job anytime soon. This is not because of her drinking, specifically; but has more to do with the lack of suitable employment on the reservation. Also, understand that she did not pursue her education when she was younger, which is also a hindrance for her.

Your brother finds himself in the same circle/ problem. The few jobs that are available seem to be very difficult to obtain. Sometimes, particularly on the reservation, it is who you know, not what you know that allows you to work. Your brother would do better in moving off-reservation. I see him considering moving either to Rapid City, Denver or Albuquerque. His best bet for employment is in Denver, as both Rapid City and Albuquerque have high competition for low-paying jobs.

There is still a lot of prejudice within those two areas that does not work well for the Lakota. Most of the jobs for the Lakota in Rapid are "program-based," or related to Indian Health Services. Denver has many more opportunities for Indian People.

If I were advising your brother I would recommend that he continue his education; perhaps in a technical school, so that he can prepare himself to make a better and more steady income. Without good employment, poverty and the depressions of poverty do not make life easy.

I see your brother as a good young man, with hope and lots of love in his heart. I also see that he suffers from "Adult Child of Alcoholic" syndrome. This syndrome creates many cycles of behaviors, including a much greater chance of becoming and alcoholic. Even Sundancers have trouble keeping sober in the face of poverty and chaos.

Many of your family member will come and support you while you dance. There is one auntie and her daughters (3) that will almost stay full-time to see you. Many will come for a day, or even a few hours. Your prayers will help you and them.

Your dancing will keep you strong and sober, and give you hope and ambition for a better future. The strength and courage that you display during Sundance is exactly what you need to bring yourself a good life. The Pipe keeps you sober, and the life-style keeps you honored with good prayers that will help you do anything you want to in this life. Thank you for dancing for The People.

Your grandmother watches over you every day. You do have a strong relationship with her; even if you cannot see her, she sees you. She has a direct relationship with your Soul and your Spirit.

She is, in my way of looking at things, part of your soul. You could say that she is a true "soul-mate." She has an agreement with you, made before you were born, to watch over you and help you with your prayers and your life.

You will finish your education. You will do very well in basketball. You are very quick and have very fast responses, this works very well for you.

Your boyfriend is doing the best that he can. He is far away from you, and you have friends at school, just like he does.

He is not the last man in your life, but he is a good friend, and he is trying not to be untrue to you. By this summer, however, it is very likely that both of you will have different romantic relationships.

Good luck, everyday, on your life journey. My prayers are with you.

You can email Anna Bee your questions at askannabee@ yahoo.com or fax to (605) 685-1870, or write to PO Box 386, Martin, S.D. 57551. All requests may be subject to publication.

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