Ask Anna

Dear Anna,

I often read your column and now I worked up the courage to ask for your help. I am married with three kids. They are my breath, without them I wouldn't be here.

If you look into my life you will see darkness, loneliness, hurt, pain and anger. My questions to you are: do you see me divorcing my husband? Do you see me finding a home. The loss of hope is a terrible thing.

When I find my husband lying again it starts a chain reaction in me. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. He has done many wrong things and many right things. I don't know if I still love him. Please answer me.

When you look into my life you will see that I have pondered death many times in my life. I need hope. Please help me.

Ready

Dear Ready:

Deep, dark despairing anger, fear, depression, and thoughts of suicide need clinical addressing. Hormonal and chemical imbalances cause these mental journeys into hopelessness. Once again, I want to say that these symptoms are not signs of weakness, they are signs of brain illness.

I will tell you that you are not any less powerful in your own life to cause change than anyone else. I will tell you that the Creator offers each of us challenges to overcome the imbalances in our lives. When things are definitely not going right, then that is a powerful message to make changes.

I would ask you what advice you would give your best friend if she were involved in a relationship that was so dark that it creates despair. Take the advice you would give to your best friend. Life is not about testing yourself to find out how much you can suffer. We no longer throw ourselves into the volcano to prove to God how much we love Him.

You have become a victim, not of your husband's, but of your own mind.

You are so encompassed within your own pain, that you are not opening the blinds and curtains and looking outside of what you experience everyday so see if there is light, other people, another path, another way.

The first thing to do is go to see a doctor and tell them about your thoughts and depression. They will help you to achieve a chemical balance within your body and mind that will help you.

Prayer is a key ingredient in recovery from depression and wrong-thinking.

I would talk with a friend that follows the Red Road and find an alter to attend: A place where you can pray and you can ask for healing to your body, mind and Spirit.

I feel that you are a Christian, and I would recommend that if you cannot adjust to accepting help from an Interpreter Man (Red Road), then you ask your pastor to help you. What I sense here though that may get in your way is the philosophy of your church may make a demand on you to stay within your marriage. That is a demand that I don't believe that you are going to be able to follow.

The feelings you have of being trapped are a mind design. Any suggestion from anyone on what to do is met by you with a reason of why you can't… "I can't leave because I have nowhere to go. . . I can't leave because I don't want to separate my kids from their dad… I can't go because I have no money. . . I can't go because I don't know where to go. . ." I can hear you.

These are valid commentary, but they are not permanent problems. Your children love you, but they know you are depressed, and they hear the yelling between you and their father. They also know a lot more about binge drinking than they should. They know more about people that don't get along than people that do get along. They hide in the background and try not to upset the household. They avoid conversation with their dad so they won't upset him. They are being taught that it is okay for a man to treat his wife like their father treats you. Think about it.

Get off from your backside, go and apply for low-income housing either from Pennington County or from Rapid City.

Ask the Department of Human Services for help to prepare yourself to work or to help you find training for employment. Get going.

You don't need to get a divorce right now, or make the decision to get a divorce right now, but you do need to go out the door, get a grip on your own future, make some decisions, become economically independent from your husband, and make connections with people. The longer you sit in isolation, the darker and more overwhelming your life will seem to be.

You are the one that will create the opportunity to have a better life, live in a better way, and feel better about the world. First you pray. Second you see a doctor.

Third, you act - in other words, 1. See it the way you want it 2. Do it the way you saw yourself doing it and 3. Enjoy what you did because you will create what it is that you saw and wanted. You are the Captain of your own Life Ship. Take Charge of it.

Dear Anna,

Lately I have been dealing with the grief of my sister and life gets very difficult.

My question or concern today is that I am not sure about other business issues that need to be addressed regarding her passing.

It seems to be hard to move on and that maybe I need to find an answer before I can move further with life. Or maybe the answer is not to be found yet, I don't know. Please provide me with your advice if you can.

Grieving heart

Dear Grieving Heart:

It is a fact that even when we are in the energy of grief there are still practical matters to be resolved. That is also part of our healing. When we address what to do with personal items, how to resolved property issues, how to pay bills, and what to do with the rest of it, we finally place the one that passed into the past. It is reluctance on your part to place your sister's life into the past that impedes you.

You sister lives on; in your heart, in the Spirit Way, and in the heavens. Her journey continues now in a different reality system but her business is a big weight that you feel around your heart, mind, and Spirit. Do one thing every day for a week to resolve the business issues.

That effort will start the energy ball that will roll everything into completion. When it is done, you will feel a lot better because you know that your sense of obligation to your sister will be put to rest.

Then the business and the grief can be set aside. God bless you, and give you the energy and the mind you need to do these things.

Dear Anna,

Let me get to the point of my request for help. I did 13 years and 7 months in the military, I got out to help one of my children get herself back on track in life. To me, it seemed she didn't care. She ended up back in Federal Prison and I felt as if I gave up a career for her and she just didn't care.

I resent this of her. Now, I have decided to go back in, be it Active or National Guard, my greatest desire is to go back in.

BUT it seems since I have made this decision things have been happening to me health wise. I'm not sure if my destiny was to make it a career or for it to be just a stepping stone in my life. Although I have to admit, I loved it.

The military was my "husband." I loved everything about it. I won't allow myself to settle permanently because

I don't want to feel as if I have to stay here. I live in an apartment month to month after a year on a lease (I won't renew) and I won't commit myself to going back to college because I feel if I do then I will be stuck here.

I am so used to being away and living life outside of South Dakota and away from the influences of the Rez that I am unhappy being here. I know my indecisions have an adverse affect on my children but I always say, "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy!" SO yeah I believe in taking care of self. Right now I find myself in these self-destructive behaviors such as partying too much and having unprotected relationships with men I know will never end up in a meaningful relationship with me. I work and I make sure my bills are paid but I make a fraction of what I am used to and so now I feel my life is living me instead of me living my life.

I used to have so much fun when I was in the military, my kids and I never struggled as much as we do now.

BUT it's as I said, fate seems to want me to stay out with these health issues that are coming up. I would like to know what you see for me and I need to know soon. The clock is ticking and my time is limited before I am unable to rejoin...

Waiting with desperate hope

Dear Waiting with desperate hope:

Your energy is waning because you are not happy. Your health issues can be resolved, but first you have to put down the bottle. Your immune system cannot find its balance with alcohol. You already know that.

I'm sorry about your daughter going to prison.

Practically speaking, she isn't living her life to please you, she is living it to learn what she needs to know to find a better way.

Her soul will continually present her with hardships as long as she acts in an imbalanced way. Your obligation to her is only love, other than that, let her figure it out. You can't blame your life on her problem.

The decision you made to return to the Rez, was your decision. Good or bad, accept that it really is not her fault. She has enough blame for what she has done, please don't assign anymore blame to her for what you have done.

I am glad that you understand where you are happy. That is a good thing. Get back to your recruiter, or to whoever it is that you go to in the military to re-sign up, and get 'er done.

Good Luck Sarge!

You can email Anna Bee your questions at askannabee@ yahoo.com or fax to (605) 685- 1870, or write to PO Box 386, Martin, S.D. 57551. All requests may be subject to publication.

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